The Importance of Paternity Leave

When P.B. was born, I took 12 weeks of paid paternity leave from the law firm where I work. I’m about halfway through my leave, and I could not be happier about the decision. Becoming a father is a beautiful experience, but it also involves a major shift in responsibilities. Paternity leave has given me time to appreciate these changes, adjust my priorities, and grow into my new role. The experience has made me a better father and husband, while giving my family a good start on this exciting new chapter of life.

And yet, my leave almost didn’t happen. Had things gone only slightly differently, I may have foregone leave entirely or taken only a couple of days. 

You see, although firm policy permits leave for all parents, without distinction between “primary” and “secondary” caregivers, I was nervous about using the benefit. I worked hard to put myself through law school; I spent years building my reputation at the firm. What would the leadership think about me stepping away? Would they think that I was not committed to my work? Would my prospects for advancement suffer?

I know others have the same concerns. Few fathers in the United States have access to paid paternity leave. But even those who can take leave often choose not to. After California passed a family leave law in 2004, researchers found only small increases in the number of men who took time off after a child’s birth. The average period of parental leave taken increased by nearly five weeks for mothers, but only two to three days for fathers. I believe fear explains this pattern. Conditioned to be breadwinners, many men likely imagined that paternity leave was viewed unfavorably and returned to work before they were ready. One study found that although 84 percent of expectant fathers plan to take leave, only half believe their employer supports them. 

To my great benefit, I have caring mentors who bent over backwards to ease my concerns. These men and women differed in many ways, but they all gave the same advice: take the time. Some reminded me that the firm made a deliberate choice to adopt a progressive leave policy, and they expected people to use it. Others told me about the importance of their leave when their children were small. Still others noted that male workers should take time away, lest their conduct harm their female colleagues by perpetuating gendered stereotypes.

I am glad to have followed the advice. Sharing a large chunk of time with P.B. gave me confidence in my ability to be a Dad. When I first held P.B, I felt a surge of pride and love. But I was also terrified of breaking him. He was so tiny. And my hands felt suddenly unfamiliar--comically large and uncoordinated. More giant foam finger than functional appendage. Diaper changes seemed perilous. And just the thought of squeezing P.B. into a onesie twisted my stomach into knots. I could almost hear the sound of snagged fingers snapping off like baby carrots.

Fortunately, this got better with experience. Each time I scooped P.B. into my arms, wariness drained away. Tension left my shoulders and was replaced by an intangible sense of ease. I stopped holding the baby like a vice--secure but unyielding--and found myself using a new embrace, full of tenderness and warmth.

In addition to boosting my confidence, leave also helped me build a connection with P.B. that will be a source of mutual strength for years to come. Stepping away from work freed me to immerse myself in P.B.’s world in ways that would have been impossible while juggling professional responsibilities. I shared in his discoveries--his hands, my face--and marvelled at the wonder of learning what it means to be alive. I learned to cherish simple moments, like when he fell asleep on my chest while I read him a book. We stayed like that for almost an hour, his soft body rising and falling with each wave of my breath. 

I found joy in learning how to anticipate P.B.’s needs and make him feel better with a well-timed intervention. I will never forget the swelling in my chest the first time P.B. nuzzled into one of my hugs. His smiles still send me through the roof. 

Parental leave also taught me lessons on sharing parental duties, with positive effects on our family’s happiness. Diaper changes became one of my specialties. After Regan taught me a trick for drama-free baby dressing (roll the onesie sleeves up, then let them down after you get the arms through the holes), I dove into outfit changes with equal gusto. Ditto morning bottle feedings, reading, and tummy time. None of these things feel like “Mommy jobs,” which I handle only when the better parent is unavailable. They fall squarely within my role as Dad. Regan and I still feel overwhelmed at times. But at least we know we’re in it together.

All of this will, of course, get harder when I return to work. Professional obligations may sometimes interrupt Daddy-baby play. I will drop parenting balls and lean on Regan when things get hectic. Yet I believe the habits I developed on leave, the shifts in my perspective, and the connections I made with P.B. will have lasting benefits for the entire family. 

I recognize that my experience is atypical. I am fortunate to have an employer that offers paternity leave and mentors who supported my decision. Few enjoy such a privileged position. Still, I would encourage any expecting father who has paternity leave benefits to consider taking the time. Even a short pause on professional life can be a powerful elixir, which bolsters your dad powers and strengthens your bonds with mother and child.

For everyone else, I encourage you to support policies that extend parental leave benefits to male employees. Research clearly shows what I’ve gleaned from my own experience: paternity leave is good for fathers and their families. A recent study shows that men who take paternity leave are more likely to develop strong relationships with their children and far less likely to get divorced. Everyone deserves fulfilling work and family connection. No one should be forced to choose between loving relationships and professional success.

Written by Trevor